GURU SPEAKS……………………………..

 

bilde

 

For those of you unenlightened spirits who have never had the chance to become a part of the world of the great Guru Bernie this is your chance during this very religious period to discover the deep meanings behind the Guru’s many pronouncements.

The Guru has just returned from his 27 day fast on the top of a large building in Detroit. During this tantric trance The Guru was visited by entities way beyond the comprehension of mortal men. The Guru was also visited by many young nubile female disciples who were trained by the Guru in the art of making him feel good without marital aids or provocative movies.

BELOW ARE SOME OF THE WISDOMS THAT CAME TO HIM WHILE FASTING AND SMOKING A TREE!”

Man is made in the image of God..woman is also made in the image of God but has better looking breasts “.

“It is better to grind your axe than stick your head in a meat grinder”

” Believing your own publicity can save you a fortune of full-page ads in Variety”

” Being in touch with your dark side needs AAA Batteries.”

” When duty calls… tell it to fuck off!”

” When trying out online dating services use the photo of you before the accident”

” If your grown children appear ungrateful advertise on Craig’s List for some other ones who will be grateful!”

” If dogs is man’s best friend why are you hanging around with Phil?”

“A surface relationship with Lindsay Lohan proves that booty is only skin deep.”

“Winning isn’t everything but its better than suicide and food poisoning!”

“While an apple a day keeps the doctor away it won’t keep the male nurse from exposing his penis to you.”

“Skinny dipping used to be fun for Kirstie Alley”

“A stitch in time saves nine but it really hurts without a pain pill!”

“If you’ve got a good agent …you’re delusional!”

” A duck out of water is not as bad as Cher out of Botox!”

THE GURU THANKS YOU AND MAY THE FLOWERS OF PEACE MAKE THE ODOR OF CHINESE FOOD LEAVE YOUR PRESENCE FOREVER. THE GURU LOVES YOU AND NEEDS YOU TO LOVE HIM IN RETURN IN ALL THE WAYS LAID OUT IN HIS LATEST BOOK:” THE GET NAKED AND LOVE YOUR GURU IN ALL WAYS MANIFESTO!”  

Advertisements

There are no comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: