From a darkened room somewhere on the planet, a bent over gnome like figure with crusted food droppings on his shirt front has emerged to talk about what he was before he became addicted and obsessed with becoming popular on Twitter.
Stanley (not his real name) was a skilled bicycle repair man who had a wife and two kids and a middle class home. Then somebody introduced him to Twitter.
After two people started to follow him everything dramatically changed.
He didn’t care that one of his followers was from the Ukraine and only knew how to spell LOL and Ha Ha..and the other was a company advertising Frozen Sheep’s Testicles delivered to your home ..Stanley was getting a response from writing in a very few words:”Had coffee when I got up!” and ” It rained today so I stayed inside and read a book!”
He began to think “Wow..I’m saying stuff and people are appreciating me for what I am.” So he got even bolder in those first few weeks and wrote other stuff like ..” I took a giant dump today..it must’ve been the Indian Food because my asshole was on fire!
Soon other people who’d eaten Indian Food who’s assholes were on fire started responding to Stanley..and in no time..he’d closed himself off in a small room with a fridge and a hot plate and he became a Twitter-Freak.
Real sex ceased and was replaced by “Twitter raunch”…his wife and kids became homeless welfare recipients and he forgot to feed the cat and it withered away and died.
After some of his followers deleted him he became very depressed. why were they deleting him?…was it his last Tweet where he said ” I think that Michele Bachmann is a hottie Id ‘e go 4 a 3 way with Marcus?” or the other one where he tweeted ” At least that Seattle homeland gunman is better looking than those Muslim assholes!”
When pushed for an explanation as to why he’d come out of the TWITTER closet .
Stanley told us…Twitter had sent him an email saying he was the first account that had ever achieved a year of minus deletes and survived intellectually without intense therapy…
Stanley explained before becoming addicted to “the Twitter” he was hooked on 24/7 Fox News…which of course explained everything but the hump now growing out of his back.