I used to be named Ali Bashan Khan but when Mitt Romney’s company came to Pakistan and offered me an American’s job I changed my name to “Ralphie Baxter.”

These American gentlemen in suits came over and taught us how to speak “American”…we knew how to speak “English” because those assholes had ruled us for 400 years.

They taught us how to play A STUPID GAME CALLED cricket and be totally subservient. They built railways and  made us all officious and difficult to deal with…but to “always to be polite”even when we were killing them and blowing up their armies.

Our greatest weapon against the British however was curry which made them fart a great deal and go to the toilet many times a day… and that took their minds off governing long enough for us to get our independence and kick them and their inbred Royals outta town.

We hate the British…and now we hate the Americans even more.

Oh yes they employ us by the millions as long as we are sitting in front of a phone and lying through our few teeth about how wonderful their products are…and of course some those products are being made by some of the rest of our families here in Pakistan and also of course… we make sure we spit on all the clothing before we assemble stuff.

A little known fact is there’s a great deal of Muslim spit on some of America’s favorite clothing.

As “Ralphie” I have to be polite to the greatest bunch of whining complaining critical  dip shirt Americans on the planet. Unbelievable how into “things” they all are.

The REPUBLICAN women are the worst bitches …they think their sh*t doesn’t stink and they treat us like they think we’re poor lowlife American scum instead of low life PAKISTANI SCUM…

Then there’s all my relatives that get blown away out in the countryside while at weddings and funerals by these drones they operate from Nevada ..what do they think this is some giant deadly video game? Yes we have lots of bad men who blow us up too but give us a break we can do that without the AMERICANS!!

Every day I want to tell them to take their order for colorful socks and sensible shoes and shove them up their capitalistic anal tracts!

When they ask me if I’m in the US?  I say: “Yes madame I’m in New Rochelle, we New Yorker’s have a strange accent.”

I am paid a very low salary but it’s enough to buy a happy meal twice a week and rearrange the dirt on my apartment floor .

American has given me an opportunity I wasn’t expecting.. the chance to be even more resentful of the WEST  than I was before.

“Death to the Infidel”…but not until after pay-day!


Ralphie Baxter.



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