HOLLYWOOD (4)……………..




“Young impressionable Brit/Aussie/Canuck writer arrives in Hollywood for the first time to work on an NBC Special with its host Noel (Son of Rex) Harrison…Almost at once he becomes the most important cog in the creative wheel of the show as Noel has told the NBC brass that the writer he’s bringing from Toronto has the format “down and ready to go.” This definitely was 100% not true. I did not have a format or a clue.  I flowered off at the mouth upon meeting Noel at his house telling him we were going to do the whole show from inside his head”. Noel and his friends all agreed this was “brilliant”…

In truth this was not “brilliant” but panicking save my ass bull shit!

Greatly relieved Noel has called the producers in Hollywood that “Chris has solved the premise of the show and he was ready to go to work”…

I was now in a limo driving from Noel’s ranch to Sunset and Vine. I had been in LA for six or seven hours now ..What else lay in store…?

Now I was alone in an elevator going to the penthouse offices of Al Burton and Burt Rosen. Before I could press the button a voice said “Floor please!” At this time in space this was my first encounter with a talking elevator..self consciously I said “Penthouse thank you!” …and up we went, me and the voice…

I was thinking could anything top this again?

The elevator doors opened and a most insanely impossible sight appeared in front of my incredulous eyes…The open plan office floor in front of me was packed full of great smelling teenage girls in various stages of bikini wearing.. They were busily rushing about with papers and laughing and giggling.

I thought ” Did I step into a Stanley Shapiro movie?…could this be a sequel to “BEACH BLANKET BINGO.”..where was Annette?

As my jaw remained on the floor a man in a bright golf shirt ran up to me through the throng of pubescence pulchritude…

” Hi Chris…I’m Larry Al’s assistant …sorry for all the action, Al’s the producer of the “Miss Teenager America Pageant” and these are the contestants from all across the country..something else heh?

He laughed as Miss Teenage Florida brushed past me …

‘Got it” I thought  this must be logically the way it is for all unknown young writers on their first day in Hollywood after only six hours?”

Now I was in Al’s office…huge …with a view of Hollywood and almost to the beach. Everyone in the room was beaming and looking relieved…

Al welcomed me and introduced me to his “team” They were the executives, the producers and head writers were not present.

After some small talk Al says: “Noel is over the top with your ideas for the show he said for you to tell us what they are” I took my fate as a new creative force in Hollywood and I said:

” We come up on a closeup of Noel’s face…and slowly while the theme music of the special plays: “Where the Girls Are”…we go closer and closer and then we go into his eye…and we do the whole show from inside Noel’s head!”

Stunned silence…”Shit..these people are onto me …it’s the ‘Emperor’s new clothes’ …my goose is cooked”…Then a word I’d become accustomed to rang out loud and clear again in a kind of staggered unison….


The relief on the faces of those present could be seen in Burbank.

That was it as far as everyone was concerned Noel was happy the show could be done from “inside his head”… and that the show would be a “mix of linking the  past …the present …leading to the future”.. which I added with growing confidence that what ever crap I made up they would love.

Al positively glowing with “happy producer syndrome” asked me if I’d like a drink…and tells me to go over to the large ornate cocktail cabinet in the corner of the office.

“Ask it for a drink!” he says.

“Okay there was talking elevator…and now a talking cocktail cabinet!”.

I spoke to a cocktail cabinet for the first time in my life.

“I’ll have a 7 UP!”

The front of the cocktail cabinet opened and there was a teenager girl in there dressed as a cocktail waitress with a glass opening my can of 7 UP.

“You want ice with that?”

Seven hours and counting on my first day in Hollywood..


Cher’s first solo appearance…my wheels…The Byrds…



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